I’ve been on/off ‘dating’ websites since I can remember. I say ‘dating’ because I’m not sure the people of tinder or pof are really looking to fall in love.. but I’ll hear them out. Anyway I recently jumped back on the horse and put up a profile- mostly for a confidence boost (hey 2500+ guys ‘want to meet me’!) and partly to get some flirting practise in. Here’s some of my pet peeves with countless of guy’s profiles.. I just want to improve these men’s chances of finding ‘love’!
1. No selfies
Now I don’t know if this only applies to me but I don’t like a man who takes loads of selfies. In this sense by ‘selfie’ I mean arm in photo, pouting, flexing and most probably topless or in bed. Mirror selfies are the worst. All selfies are the worst.
2. A selfie doing something cool is fine.
Whist on the subject of photos, normal photos you’ve taken of yourself are fine, obviously. Funny or interesting photos are the best (my favourite was a photo of a guy reading a book called ‘online dating for dummies’) I don’t want to play a guessing game of who’s who and what you look like, make it clear. For the love of god don’t crop a woman (an ex, obviously) out of a photo, just take a new one. Avoid photos with women if possible. (Don’t ask why, it just makes sense.) If all of your photos are taken whilst you’re wasted and you haven’t got a reeeeally interesting bio, I’ll probably swipe left.
3. No kids.
Why include pictures of your children on your dating profile? It’s great that you love your kid.. it really is, but I don’t need to know what they look like! Save that for later! If you’re going for cute, try a puppy photo. (Men=100x sexier with a puppy)
4. ”Just ask.”
Possibly the single most annoying phrase used on every other persons bio. Also see ‘I don’t know what to write here’, ‘I’ll fill this in later’, ‘If I fill this in we will have nothing to talk about’ etc. No. Stop being lazy. We have nothing to talk about because I can’t spark up an interesting conversation from ‘just ask’ so we are left with the insanely boring ‘hey, how are you’. (I’ll move onto that later!)
5. You’re a chilled out, laid back kinda guy. You love any kind of music. You like a night out sometimes but you’re more than happy to stay in, cuddle and watch Netflix.
So you are just like everyone else then? Don’t list your hobbies/likes and dislikes either, it’s samey. Tell me something interesting. Be clever. Make me laugh. Well written, grammatically correct, funny bios are a turn on. And yes we have ‘made it this far’.
6. Don’t insult us before you’ve even spoken to us.
Thankfully this doesn’t apply to everyone but comments like ‘all the girls on here are fakes’, ‘no one ever replies on here, giving up soon’ or general misogynistic ‘sick of girls doing this..’ is not going to make me want you. The worst one I saw was a really cute guy who seemed really nice in his profile until he wrote ‘sick of girls putting their body weight as ‘average’, if you take up two fucking seats on a plane you are not average’. No words.
7. Hey how are you?
I could go on forever about the content of our messages. I make short, sharp decisions based on our first few messages and probably am a bit brutal in the process. (Hey there are a lot to go through! Ha. ) So few words of advise; I am not your babe or honey and won’t ever be if you call me that straight away. Keep it interesting and give me something I can reply to whilst showing you how great I am. Obvious copied and pasted intro messages are a little insulting, and I hate being asked if I fancy getting to know each other? (Surely that’s a given if I reply?!) I’m not giving you my phone number or going meet you straight away so wait until I’ve deciphered that you aren’t going to murder me before asking. Don’t hassle me to reply, I’ll do so when I get the chance and I won’t ever reply if you hassle. Last but definitely not least; if you just want sex that’s fine, I respect that you’ll admit that given that it may put some people off before they’ve even spoken to you but for the love of God please please don’t send us pictures of your penis.
So there you go, you may now go forth into the world of online dating equipped with this new knowledge… Good luck. And if someone could write a guide for women too that would be just fab.